So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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