You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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