Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
