I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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