I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
