the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
