meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize