please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
