You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
