I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
