first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
3pm strippers are depressing
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
