Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
