my phone needs a breathalizer
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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