Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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