it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
