Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
