My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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