I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
