I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
