dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
