i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
