he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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