She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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