Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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