I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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