On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
