we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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