Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
