im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
