Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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