I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
