Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize