I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
