the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize