a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
