so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
