Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
