Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
