I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
