My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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