So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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