there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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