I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
