I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
