I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
