it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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