i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
