I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
