If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
