Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
