Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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