she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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