i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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