we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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