I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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