One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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