1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
