i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My liver just had a heart attack.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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