i just google imaged poop.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
