Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
