i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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