Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
