im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
