I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
