Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
