I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
