So drunk its hurt
Someone shit on the floor
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
