hotel room ftw
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
